In search of a place — my place

I was born in Prato in 1978 and have always had a great passion for chemistry. At first, I was fascinated by the way substances changed colour when mixed; over time, this passion shifted towards studying how these changes occurred and according to which laws and rules. The same curiosity that drove me to investigate matter ever more deeply gradually led me into the depths of my own heart.

WYD 2000

I spent a good part of my adolescence at the parish youth centre, which I had always attended, basically because all my friends were there. Chance (let us call it that…) gave me the push to begin the journey I am still following today. It all began in the summer of 2000: all my friends were absolutely determined to attend World Youth Day in Rome, whereas I had dismissed it out of hand. Ten days in the middle of August, spent in the Roman heat with a sea of sweaty, sticky young people? No, thank you! In the end I realised that absolutely everyone was going to this gathering, so either I went too or I would be left at home alone. And so, one August day, I arrived in Rome. Many things about that experience struck me, but what left its mark was the realisation that all two million young people (very sweaty and very sticky) had a place in the Church, a place where each person was irreplaceable and awaited. And, despite everything, free to choose it or not.

My place in the Church

At that point the great question arose: “What is my place in the Church?” This question became like a drop of water that slowly wore a hole through the rock. Even though it took three years for the question to return, with all the force it carried… My meeting with Fr Luigi Ciotti, founder of Libera, brought me to a turning point: hearing a priest speak about his struggle against the Mafia gave me the opportunity to ask what my role in the Church might be. And this time the answer came too. Something inside me said: “Become a priest!” I must say I had never thought about the priesthood, because I could not imagine anything more distant from the twenty-one-year-old Leonardo than a priest. Strangely, at first the idea did not even displease me that much. It was the following day, with a cool head, that I did the sums and realised that such a life would demand sacrifices that seemed utterly unreasonable; so I decided to drop the idea, labelling it the result of a moment of religious enthusiasm, or something like that.

The struggle with vocation

Thus began one of the worst periods of my life. By then I had become aware of where my heart lay, even though I had no desire to accept it. For a year and a half I tried everything to prove to myself that priestly life was not for me, but it kept returning with ever greater force. I even began to think of forms of “spiritual tightrope walking” that might find a compromise between what attracted me and a series of needs I thought I could not give up. For example, I was willing to become a permanent deacon: on the one hand I could preserve the possibility of having a family, while on the other I would perform the ministry closest to that of a priest. But it did not work.

The god of myself and the fall

Meanwhile, my life continued. My chemistry studies went on, and I managed to keep up with my examinations while holding a scholarship position with the Province of Prato in the Environmental Protection department. I enjoyed this work and felt appreciated in the office. Despite everything, I sensed a restlessness and emptiness that gave me no peace, yet deep down I felt fulfilled. I did not need God, because I was my own god. And as a god, I expected to “save” people. But it was precisely a difficult moment that showed me I was unable to save anyone; indeed, the more I meddled in other people’s lives, the worse things became. So I fell from the pedestal on which I had placed myself, and since I was very high up, the fall hurt terribly.

Accepted as I am, and a book makes me feel “at home”

It was the opportunity to entrust myself to the last hope I had left: the Lord. I felt accepted for who I was, with all my limitations and all my attitudes as a would-be saviour. This peace gave me the opportunity to take up the idea of priesthood again and welcome it. For me the only way of living the priesthood was the diocesan form, but I did not feel at ease; I felt somewhat confined within a reality I experienced as too narrow. The turning point that led me to the Society was a book given to me by my spiritual director, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin’s “On Love”. I was deeply struck by his ability to see science itself as the place where God could be seen at work. Reading that book gave me the feeling of being at home, of having found my place.

The time of discernment and the time of formation

At this point I only had to meet a living Jesuit in flesh and blood, so I contacted Fr Paolo Bizzeti, who invited me to spend a period of discernment in Bologna. On 12 March 2002 I went to Bologna, and on 1 November I entered the novitiate. My life began all over again. In Genoa I had the opportunity to share life with people with whom I am still very close friends, a friendship we have built over the years. After studies in Padua and an apostolate among university students, I did my regency in L’Aquila, at the University College and University Chapel. The experience there was not easy, especially because the beginning of my second year was marked by the announcement that the work would close and by organising the move. Yet the effort and suffering involved in seeing something beautiful come to an end became an opportunity to rediscover the deep meaning of that difficult vow which is obedience. I continued my formation with theology in Rome and a licentiate in Paris, after which I was sent to the University Chapel at La Sapienza in Rome.

Between gratitude and healthy restlessness, the mission continues

After completing tertianship in Cuba, I was sent to Genoa, where I was director of a youth centre. The Lord has still not lost confidence in me, and many years after the beginning of my journey I feel immense gratitude, without losing that healthy restlessness which never allows me to stop searching.